Broken Worlds
by jhalya
Summary: For Ichigo it's never enough. Rukia has a hard time getting that. I/R, post Quicy Rebellion speculation


**Broken worlds**

She hates it that he has to pick up the pieces of the mess they've made of things. His father assures her it was meant to be, however much he's tried to shelter him from it. And Isshin should know – he'd lost a wife to this conviction. 'You should know too' Isshin's eyes say to her despite the fake merriment he's grafted to his face. She lost a most beloved brother. And even though she tries to dull the pain with anger at the colossal burden Byakuya has placed on Ichigo's shoulders, Rukia knows it's a lie and the pain will undo her if she's not careful.

What she dreads the most though is the expectant looks other shinigami keep shooting Ichigo behind the veil of their respectfully dropped gazes. Her own Taichou has warned her of it, in that sincere, yet heavy-handed way of his.

"Leadership, Kuchiki-san, is a tricky thing. It's not enough to be strong and respected", and she distinctly remembers Ukitake-taichou's gentle, fatherly smile when he told her this, "you must also be feared."

Rukia is smart, she knew what he meant to tell her, even, perhaps, to warn her of. Being the prospective Kuchiki heir – and that was a can of worms she didn't want to begin to think about – she was privy to great many a things, including talks among the Great Houses about selecting the new Sou-Taichou of the Gotei 13. She'd nearly punched the man handing her the list of candidates square in the face. It was Yoruichi-dono who had inconspicuously held her back. "It's simply a list of suggestions." With Ichigo's name on it, the symbols glaring mockingly at her.

Unohana was the first to decline. "My skills are needed elsewhere", the deceivingly gentle woman had said. When certain individuals had insisted, Kyoraku-taichou intervened and put the matter to rest. "Let sleeping monsters lie. Unohana-senpai has made up her mind a long time ago." _So her days as a ruthless killer may never return again_ is what everyone hears Kyoraku-taichou not saying.

Rukia just thinks it's hypocritical and unjust, but they are her superiors and plainly stated requests to drop it are simply poorly veiled orders. When all eyes turn to the Taichou of the Eighth, however, the man audaciously smirks and says no. He actually says: "Don't even think about it!". He mourns still. He's lost more than a leader. He's lost a father.

Ukitake-taichou was pleased that his name even came up on the list, naturally, but he was still surprised when they approached him officially about the matter. "Mine would be a short lived reign" and a fit of coughs later and with a stern look from Unohana-taichou, they leave him be.

As of yet, no one has talked to Ichigo. They wouldn't even know where to begin. And he's away most of the time too. Soul Society is a big place and the damage done to it extensive. She knows how Ichigo gets – he wants to be there, lending a hand, seeing for himself that everything is well. Ichigo protects. That is who he is. And right now, he's protecting Soul Society.

Do they have a right to ask him to do it forever? The answer in Rukia's heart, next to a deeply buried, but still there, _This is all my fault_, is no. They don't. They never did, but right now, he's all they've got. He's all _she_'s got. And if she had somehow found the strength to give him over to a normal human life for seventeen months, losing him to close to an eternity of serving as the Sou-Taichou of the Gotei 13 would be more than she could handle. The fear she's fought all her life against has her in a chokehold at the mere thought of it. She had a panic attack behind the closed doors of the Kuchiki mansion after that fateful meeting. Luckily, Renji was close by to hold her and bring her back to her senses. The lifeless sheen to her eyes had told him more than enough, and still Rukia wasn't able to reveal to him the whole truth. After a few fitful gulps of air, she'd barged into her late brother's chambers with Renji trailing impatiently – and worriedly – behind her. Byakuya's room was as tidy as ever, Hisana smiling beatifically from the picture on the shrine. But to Rukia it now looked like the sorrowful tilt of lips of someone who was resigned to loving a man who was tantalizingly within reach, but way out of her league.

Kuchiki Rukia had never cried in front of Renji, but that night, she howled in the arms of her best friend since childhood, over the man she was hopelessly in love with and was losing.

That night, the skies broke and it rained until dawn.

In the morning, she and Renji were startled out of sleep by the heavy feel of Ichigo's massive reiatsu drawing near. He was wet and tired and soul weary. And when Rukia almost snapped at attention in her crisp fukutaichou uniform when Ichigo entered the premises she knew this was terribly, terribly wrong.

"It could be worse", Renji intimated over a frugal lunch, now that the reality was starting to sink in, "they could take him over to the Zero Squad and then we'd never see him again." That nearly paralyzed her. Ichigo was young and a thousand times stronger than anyone she had ever known. His power could grow still. Even now, that insidious black reiatsu that constantly swirled around him was changing him from one day to the next and although he'd finally learned to harness it, it still did things to him that he wasn't admitting, but that weren't lost to the ever vigilant eyes of the powers that be. Who'd dare attack Soul Society with Kurosaki Ichigo at its lead?

Few, which would leave him in charge of the hassle of running thirteen rather squabbling squads, or many, which would only put him in the front line of war for the rest of his unnaturally long existence. _And where does that leave me?_ Rukia asks herself all the time. To live and die and be reborn in the shadow of his greatness is the fastest answer she can think of. And that nearly damn well kills her. As a warrior, Rukia knows her worth. As a friend, she knows her place in Ichigo's widely open heart. But there are heights he can reach that transcend her futile attempts at elevation. Swords can still kill her, when they'd barely graze him. Worlds could shatter now at the mere swing of his blade. And, _fuck it_, she won't survive this!

"Arrrgh!" In a fit of frustration, Rukia throws her Chappy engraved writing desk straight through the shoji doors only to have it land at Ichigo's sandaled feet. He's standing there, on the front porch outside her room, clad in his standard shinigami black robes, the red chain over his chest catching the dying light of the setting sun.

He gives the forlorn looking desk a comical gaze and asks rather innocently:

"What't'do to you?"

Rukia realizes she hasn't really talked to him in days and that he looks a little rough for the wear, his chin and cheeks scruffy with unshaved fuzz. Ichigo isn't the excessively grooming type, but this is a little too out there even for him. He's hunching too.

"Please, Ichigo, show a little decorum. Is this how you choose to present yourself in my brother's house?"

She meant by sneaking in, but the pain is sharp and fresh in his eyes. Her heart sinks.

"Did it before. He didn't seem to mind. Much. I'm surprised you didn't hear me coming, though."

She's surprised also, but she's much too glad to have him playing her chicken game of pretending Byakuya is actually gone to care.

"I was distracted." And just like that, her previous line of thought comes rushing in with a vengeance. Ichigo, however, doesn't allow her to dwell long on the predicament they're both in.

"Yeah, about that. Seems like everyone's been meaning to ask me me something but no one's got the balls to come out and say it. Almost had it out of Renji, but the bastard pulled some cheap trick and high-tailed it out of my way before I could figure out what the deal is. Then I figured I'd corner you instead."

He says it like he'd enjoy doing it and there's a rakish grin on his face that serves to remind Rukia that she may want a lot of things for Ichigo, but she has no idea about the things he really wants. Or really needs.

"You've been avoiding me" he says in his deep, somewhat miffed voice.

Never has Rukia thought the day would come when she'd be too coward to face Ichigo head on.

"Preposterous. I've been doing no such thing. I've been just as busy as you have. As you may recall, it would seem I have a clan to rule on top of the squad I need to look after."

Ichigo's already sat himself down by her door, his legs stretching out for miles in front of him. There's a tension in his casually relaxed frame that rings differently from everything she's ever felt from him before.

"Hn. So, does that mean I never get to see you again?" His golden gaze is piercing and unforgiving.

Rukia can only think that his question is unfair, when she's spent so many sleepless nights tossing and turning over the same conundrum. But it's not like she's going to tell him that. It's easier to be bossy. It's safer.

"Ichigo, don't be childish. Where's this nonsense coming from?"

"From you. You're the one hiding here, in your brother's great big mansion, not talking to anyone, except Renji when he's not too busy running from me!"

"I have responsibilities! And a duty to my…"

"I have responsibilities too! And most of them include you!"

Ichigo is frightening as he is tall. He reigns in his reiatsu even though his temper flares, but she can still feel it distorting the air around them – a deep sea of darkness, ready to wash everything away in one giant tidal wave.

"I have responsibilities as your friend. I have a duty to protect you. You can thank Byakuya for that the next time you pretend he isn't dead."

"You bastard, how dare you…"

"How dare I ? How dare you? How dare you not trust me with what's happening to you? I do. I've always trusted you with my life! And you…you lie. You hide. From me. Almost like you fear…"

Suddenly, Ichigo's face falls. Stricken, he takes a step back.

Once, Ichigo ran away too. He ran away and she was left with whatever reassurances she could get out of the fact that he was somewhere safe, working through his problems on his own.

Right now, this isn't fair.

Rukia jumps and smacks him lightly over the head.

"No. Don't be an idiot. That will never happen, no matter what you do." _And what you become. _"It's just that sometimes I wish it could be enough. For you to know that I am here. For you. Wherever _here _may be."

He's sure as hell going to need it.

When she finally looks at him, he's smiling the same smile her beloved sister was smiling from her shrine in Byakuya's room. The same resignation shines from it.

"Funny. I thought you'd realize it by now. It's never enough. It never was. I wouldn't be here if it were."

With that, Ichigo shrugs and turns away. She thinks it a strange courtesy of his that he intends to walk out of here when he shunpo-ed in, in the first place.

"When you're ready to tell me whatever it is that's eating you, you know where to find me. I'll be…around."

Rukia, however, has no qualms about popping in in front of him, her small fists lost in the fabric of his shinigami robes.

"Don't. Don't turn your back at me."

They've got to stop this. And right now, what Rukia really needs is to speak her mind.

"Ichigo…listen to me. Whatever they ask of you…just, just say no!"

She can't look him in the eye. She may never well be able to. Reiatsu wafts of him in spades.

"I know you made a promise, but as head of the Kuchiki clan, I release you of any duty to the…the…former…to my brother. From now on, you may do as you please. There is no burden that you should carry. And definitely not one imposed on you by…yet another Kuchiki!"

Rukia's voice is resolute and it only falters when Ichigo's reiatsu, along with his billowing sleeves, engulf her in a tight, warm and scented embrace. Ichigo smells like home: strong, true and safe.

"Pity" he whispers in her ear. "I happen to like these Kuchikis. One of them more than anything in this world."

Ichigo's kiss lands on the top of her head and Rukia shivers.

"Don't say that…"

"Why? I do what I want. I sure as hell will like who I want!"

She mumbles a _not for long_ and closes her eyes against the steady beating of his heart.

"You're so silly, Rukia. It's not like the position of Captain Commander is going to keep me away from you. Honestly, you should know better."

For a moment, Rukia forgets how to breathe.

"You….you! How did you know? Who told you? Tell me this instant!"

Rukia struggles for a way out of his arms, but Ichigo's so patient and amused and his hold so vicious, she tires quickly.

"Really, that's what you've been so high-strung about? I got a formal notification dropped over by the First's headquarters saying it'd been nominated for the position. Would have almost missed it, it they hadn't sent it by special courier. Some ninja dude with a weird getout. But that was weeks ago! You've been agonizing over this for that long? What are you, an idiot?"

"So, what did you say?"

Ichigo looks baffled at Rukia's ignoring his insults. She's usually quick to retaliate.

"Nothing. It was a notification, not a request. But, I guess, if you guys think I'm your best option, then you must really be in trouble. I'd hate leaving you hanging. And it's not because any promise I made to Byakuya either. Or, it's not just that – because that is important. I will never let another Kuchiki cry and die in front of me! Seriously. Please get that in your head." And because he mentioned it, he drops another kiss on her forehead. "It's also because there's nothing else I want to do with my life. I can't make the same decisions my father made. There's no reason for me to." And Ichigo is looking at her, as if his soul were talking directly to hers. "What I'm interested in is right here. And if I have to set thirteen squads straight to get what I want, then so be it. Small price to pay to be by your side."

"Idiot…that's my line."

Rukia hates it when he's left picking up the pieces of their shattered worlds. But when they kiss, all the pieces fit right back together.


End file.
